它活了！
It's alive!
天哪，我们要死了！
Oh, my God. We're gonna die!
我本来就不想这么做。
I didn't want to do this in the first place!
我们要死了。
We're gonna die.
噢，不，它发生了！
Oh, no, it's happening!
- 啊！- 哇，太好了。
- Ah! - Oh, phew.
- 哇！- 我的整个生命在眼前闪过。
- Whew! - Wow, I saw my life flash before my eyes.
- 我们真的逃过一劫了--- 那太可怕了。
- We really avoided -- - That was terrible.
啊，我还以为会更糟糕呢。
Ah, I thought that - was gonna be so much worse.
- 噢，看那只鹅！- 好可爱。
- Aww, look at the goose! - That's so cute.
- 好可爱，看那只鹅。- 哇，真酷。
- So cute, look at that goose. - Oh, that's so cool.
我听说她拉了两英尺长的屎。
I heard she took a two-foot shit.
真的吗？
For real?
终于，在成为美国第一任总统
Finally, home after a long day
的漫长一天后回到了家。
of being the first president of the United States.
你是谁？！
Who are you?!
我是乔治·华盛顿芭比。
I'm George Washington Barbie.
这就是我的生活。
This is my life.
你是说你想杀了我，然后冒充我，
Are you saying you want to kill me and then pose as me,
乔治·华盛顿，
George Washington,
一个身高6英尺3英寸，有木牙的人，
a man who is 6'3", has wooden teeth,
还是美国总统？
and is the President of the United States?
我不能说谎。
I cannot tell a lie.
啊！
Ah!
现在来完成我的装扮。
Now to complete my look.
嗯。
Hmm.
啊啊啊！
Ahhh!
哇，太完美了！
Mm, perfect!
你好，华盛顿先生。
Hello, Mr. Washington.
你缩小了，先生。
You shrunk, Sir.
你好，约翰·亚当斯。很漂亮的假发。
Hi, John Adams. Cute wig.
我很抱歉，我不想问这个，
I am so sorry, - I don't want to ask this,
但你不是应该是个男的吗？
but aren't you supposed to be a guy?
我就是。
I am.
你的牙齿倒是很准确。
Well, the teeth are accurate.
看看这个。
And check this out.
这看起来像女性器官吗？
Does this look like a girl part to you?
我不知道你是否知道，先生，
I don't know if you know this, sir,
但你的阴茎长了白蚁。
but your penis has termites.
啊！
Ahh!
我宣布白宫成为梦幻之家。
I declare the White House a dream house.
男士：乔治·华盛顿芭比从未说过谎，
Man: George Washington Barbie never told a lie,
除了谎称自己就是乔治·华盛顿，
except for the lie that she was George Washington,
尽管她只是乔治·华盛顿芭比。
although she was George Washington Barbie.
完。
The end.
哦，天哪。- 你有保险吧？
Oh, man. - You have insurance, right?
没有。
Nope.
哦，天哪。
Oh, man.
哇，《帝国反击战》是我最喜欢的电影。
Oh, boy, "Empire Strikes Back" is my favorite movie.
"卢克，我就是你父亲。"
"Luke, I am your father."
黑武士："不，我就是你父亲。"
Darth Vader: No, I am your father.
这不是台词。
That's not the line.
年轻的书呆子，黑武士从未说过"卢克"
Young nerd, - Darth Vader never said "Luke"
这句著名台词。
in that famous line.
纳尔逊·曼德拉的幽灵。
The ghost of Nelson Mandela.
你正在经历曼德拉效应。
You're experiencing the Mandela effect.
这个名字来源于一种集体性虚假记忆。
It's named for - a collective false memory.
就像人们记得我在80年代在监狱里去世，
Like when people - remember me dying in prison
但实际上我是在2013年在家里去世的。
in the '80s when I actually died at home in 2013.
哦，就像"贝瑞斯坦熊"
Oh, like "The Berenstain Bears"
其实是"贝伦斯坦熊"。
actually being "The Berenstein Bears."
事实上正好相反。
It's actually the other way around.
或者不是？
Or is it?
同意各不相同。
Agree to disagree.
好吧，我们需要修正《星球大战》。
Well, we need to fix "Star Wars."
如果只有一种方法可以回到过去。
If only there was a way to go back in time.
有办法。握住我的手。
There is. Take my hand.
你的手是时光机？
Your hand is a time machine?
是啊，很酷吧？
Pretty cool, right?
去你妈的，比尔和泰德。
Suck a "D," Bill and Ted.
原版剧本。
The original script.
我会修改那句台词，让它变成我记忆中的样子。
I'll fix the line - so it's the way I remember it.
但还有更多！
But there's more!
还记得当福雷斯特·冈普说，
Remember when Forrest Gump said,
"生活就像一盒巧克力"吗？
"Life is like a box of chocolates"?
他其实说的是…
He actually said...
妈妈总说，生活就像一盒巧克力。
Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates.
我们得纠正这个。
We got to correct this.
汉克斯先生，工作室说
Excuse me, Mr. Hanks, the studio said
你得改变那句台词。
you got to change that line.
出于法律原因。
For legal reasons.
非常感谢。
Thanks so much.
该死的会计。
Fucking bean counters.
总是干扰我的艺术创作。
Always stepping on my art.
好，回到一号位。
Okay, back to one.
还记得好奇乔治这只猴子吗？
Remember Curious George the monkey?
你知道吗，他其实从来没有尾巴？
Well, did you know - he never actually had a tail?
抱歉，H。A。 Rey，这不是什么大事，
Excuse me, H.A. Rey, no big deal,
只是紧急服务。
just emergency services.
我来拿吧。
Here, I'll take that.
哦，我就知道这只猴子少了点什么。
Oh, I knew this monkey was missing something.
现在让我们回到当下时间
Now let's go back to current times
来享受我们的成果吧。
to enjoy the fruits of our labor.
黑武士："不，卢克，
Darth Vader: No, Luke,
我与你的亲缘关系比你想象的更近。"
I am a closer relative than you think.
噢，不，我的字迹。
Oh, no, my penmanship.
我弄得更糟了。- 没关系。
I made it worse. - It's okay.
打开《阿甘正传》。
Turn on "Forrest Gump."
生活就是一个盒子。
Life is a box.
噢，不。
Oh, no.
至少好奇乔治不需要说话。
Well, at least Curious George doesn't have to say anything.
打开PBS。
Turn on PBS.
不是我想象的那样，但我喜欢。
Not what I pictured, but I like it.
一个大猴子阴茎？
A big monkey wiener?
我敢打赌每个人都会对此感到好奇。
I bet everyone - will be curious about that.
哦，嗯。哦，宝贝。
Oh, mm. Oh, baby.
嗯。哦，宝贝。
Unh. Oh, baby.
我必须让这个一直开着吗？
Do I have to leave this thing on?
是的，你旋转那张网。
Yeah, you spin that web.
嗯。
Mmm.
想要一种味道很棒
Want a cereal that tastes great
而且能帮助释放积压的愤怒的麦片吗？
and helps release pent-up rage?
是的！
Yeah!
是时候给早餐它应得的了。
Time to give breakfast what it deserves.
Z-oh-diacs --营养丰富的
Z-oh-diacs -- the nutritious
全谷物麦片，带有
whole-grain cereal with the excitement
60年代后期杀人狂潮的刺激感！
of a late '60s killing spree!
烤燕麦粒采用与我的密码一样
Toasted oats in the same fun shapes
有趣的形状。
as my cryptograms.
每盒背面都有一个密码拼图。
And the back of every box has a cypher puzzle.
哇。- 美味又好玩？
Wow. - Delicious and entertaining?
你是谁？
Who are you?
没人知道，
Nobody knows,
这就是为什么我们混入了多彩的棉花糖，
which is why we've mixed in multi-colored marshmallows
看起来像人们认为我可能是的嫌疑人。
that look like the suspects people thought I might be.
警探、图书管理员、
The police detective, the librarian,
海军老兵。
the Navy veteran.
他们甚至还有那个在临终前供认的人。
They even got the guy with a deathbed confession.
他是--哈--美味！
He's -- ha -- delicious!
而且也无罪。
And also not guilty.
杀人美味！
Murder-licious!
我希望他们永远找不到你。
I hope they never find you.
已经50年了。
It's been 50 years.
我想你没什么可担心的，
I'd say you've got nothing to worry about,
除了你父母的安全。
except the safety of your parents.
Z-oh-diacs --
无法解开的美味。
Unsolvably delicious.
♪ 老麦萨诺斯有个农场 ♪
♪ Old McThanos had a farm ♪
♪ T-H-A-N-O-S ♪
♪ 在那个农场上，他只有宇宙中 ♪
♪ And on that farm, he had the only chickens ♪
♪ 剩下的鸡 ♪
♪ Left in the galaxy ♪
♪ T-H-A-N-O-S ♪
♪ 啪一下在这里 ♪
♪ With a snap-snap here ♪
♪ 又啪一下在那里 ♪
♪ And a snap-snap there ♪
♪ 这里啪一下，那里啪一下 ♪
♪ Here a snap, there a snap ♪
♪ 到处都是啪啪啪 ♪
♪ Everywhere a snap-snap ♪
♪ 老麦萨诺斯有个农场 ♪
♪ Old McThanos had a farm ♪
♪ T-H-A-N-O ♪
哦。
Oh.
哦，该死。
Oh, shit.
哇，这可不是丹尼斯。
Whoa, this ain't Denny's.
这是一个很酷的舞蹈。你们是个邪教吗？
It's a cool dance. You guys a cult?
我曾经参加过一个邪教。他们把我踢了出去，
I was in a cult once. They kicked me out
因为我从教主的卡马罗上偷油。
for siphoning gas from the cult leader's Camaro.
嘿，你们有偷过油吗？
Hey, you ever siphon gas?
这是一个很容易意外喝到汽油的方法。
It's a real easy way to accidentally drink gas.
所有人：不！不可能！
All: No! No way!
哦，隐形孩子们。
Oh, invisible kids.
我在这里吸电子烟可以吗？
Is it cool if I hit my vape in here?
所有人：不，不！
All: No, no!
我本来想离开，但我不太确定
I'd leave, but I'm not real sure
我是怎么来到这里的，
how I got here in the first place,
最后一件我记得的事，
and the last thing I remember,
就是我闻了一大堆飞机胶水。
I was sniffing a shit ton of airplane glue.
不行，滚出去！
No way, get out!
好吧，那种刺痛、扎刺的感觉很熟悉。
Okay, that pokey, stabby feeling feels real familiar.
那肯定是纳洛酮注射。
That's definitely a NARCAN injection.
是的。看来他们在叫我回家。
Yeah. Guess they're calling me home.
再见。
Arrivederci.
但为什么是蝙蝠，布鲁斯老爷？
But why bats, Master Bruce?
布鲁斯：它们让我害怕，阿尔弗雷德。
Bruce: They scare me, Alfred.
我想让我的敌人也感受到那种恐惧。
I want my enemies - to experience that fear.
让我们看看这个宝贝。
Let's take a look at this baby.
我看起来像一只巨型蝙蝠！
I look like a giant bat!
快把我从这玩意儿里弄出来！
Get me out of this thing!
快拿下来，拿下来，拿下来！
Get it off, get it off, get it off!
拿下来！它在我的胳膊上！在我的脸上！
Get it off! It's on my arm! It's on my face!
啊！妈的！蝙蝠在我身上！
Ahh! Fuck! The bats are on me!
我讨厌蝙蝠！
I hate bats!
哦！
Oh!
我就是一只蝙蝠！蝙蝠在我身上！
I am a bat! The bat is on me!
它们全都在我身上！
It's all over me!
快把我从这玩意儿里弄出来！
Get me out of this thing!
我在蝙蝠里面！
I'm inside the bat!
饼干？
Cookies?
是的，我接受。
Yes, me accept.
我点击接受饼干。
Me click yes cookies.
饼干在哪里？
Where cookies?
啊！饼干！
Ahhh! Cookies!
饼干！没有饼干？什么是真的？
Cookies! No cookies? What is real?
我什么都不相信。
Me trust nothing.
欢迎来到多米诺。你想要一份披萨吗？
Welcome to Domino's. Can I interest you in a pizza?
所有人都趴下！
Everyone on the fucking ground.
是避难者。- 什么？
It's the Noid. - What?
多米诺披萨的吉祥物，从1986年到1995年。
The Domino's mascot from 1986 to 1995.
他是一切点披萨出错的
He's the physical manifestation of everything
实体化身。
that can go wrong when ordering a pizza.
为多米诺披萨公司服务了近十年，
Nearly a decade of service to the Domino's Corporation,
他们是如何回报我的？
and how did they repay me?
把我踢到了街边！
By kicking me to the curb!
避难者先生，发生了什么？
What went wrong, Mr. Noid?
1996年，一个姓避难者的人
In 1996, a man with the last name Noid
劫持了一家多米诺披萨店，认为避难者是专门
took a Domino's hostage, believing the Noid was created
用来嘲笑他的。
to mock him.
他的要求是--免费披萨，
His demands -- free pizza,
一辆白色林肯轿车，以及停止多米诺披萨
a white limo, and the end of the Noid in Domino's advertising.
在广告中使用避难者。
And those spineless suits caved to him.
等等，这是真的吗？
Wait, is this shit real?
是的。- 查看维基百科页面。
Yeah. - Check the Wikipedia page.
关键是，现在轮到我拿枪了，
Point is, now I'm the one with the gun,
我要求多米诺披萨重新启用避难者。
and I demand that Domino's bring back the Noid.
男子：举起手来，从里面出来。
Man: Come on out with your hands up.
除非多米诺披萨重新启用避难者，否则我不出来。
Not unless Domino's brings back the Noid.
好吧，好吧。当然，我们可以这么做。
Uh, oh, okay. Sure, we can do that.
好吧。避难者回来了，宝贝！
Shit. The Noid is back, baby!
我可以要大蒜结和那些肉类披萨吗？
Can I get garlic knots with those meat lover pizzas?
爸爸！妈妈又在这样做了。
Dad! Mom's doing it again.
哦，这就是第11季了。
Oh hey, so that's season 11.
感谢音乐嘉宾Yaboobas。
Thanks to the musical guests, Yaboobas.
也感谢"杀人狂"…无罪。
Also, thanks to the Zodiac Killer... Not guilty.
…纳尔逊·曼德拉的幽灵，当然还有，
...the ghost of Nelson Mandela, and of course,
两片美式奶酪。
both slices of American cheese.
哦，还有汤姆·汉克斯的兄弟吉姆。
Oh, and Tom Hanks' brother, Jim.
谢谢你，吉姆！是的。
Thanks, Jim! Yeah.
如果我们没被取消，下次见。
See you next year if we don't get canceled.
晚安，各位！
Good night, everybody!
我迫不及待地不想在六个月内看到你这张讨厌的脸。
I cannot wait to not see your fucking face for six months.
去你妈的，你这个混蛋。
Fuck you, fuck face.
谢谢你们在最后一刻剪掉我的小品，混蛋们。
Thanks for cutting my sketch at the last minute, assholes.
我连这集都没出现。
I wasn't even in this episode.
那个避难者的小品就像一个砖头气球一样，是吧？
That Noid sketch went over like a brick balloon, huh?
回去投票支持脱欧，
Go back and vote for Brexit,
你这个该死的白痴。
you fucking idiot.
你的意见对我来说一文不值。
Your opinion means nothing to me.
那个"杀人狂"刚刚逃脱，
The Zodiac Killer just escaped
带走了整个派对三明治。
with the whole party sub.
你知道，在"金装律师"里，我们每周7天
You know, on "Suits," we had a full taco bar
都有一个满满的塔可吧。
seven days a week.
我他妈超爱"金装律师"。
I fucking love "Suits."
- 是啊。- 塔可吧。
- Yeah. - Taco bar.
我已经受够你这些狗屁玩意儿了。
I've had just about enough of your bullshit.
如果这些该死的字幕不马上结束，
I will punch a hole through my own fucking face
我就要用拳头打穿我自己的脸了--
if these goddamn credits don't end right the fuck n--
21号，启动毁灭大炮。
21, engage the doom cannon.
伙计，我们被取消了。算了吧，都完了。
Dude, we got canceled. Forget it. It's over.
来吧，想想粉丝们，医生。
Come on, think of the fans, Doc.
是啊，这就是我在做的。
Yeah, that's what I'm doing.
他们应该得到更好的，而不是这种令人毛骨悚然的木偶剧。
They deserve better this creepy Pinocchio bullshit.
别弄坏木偶，伙计。
Don't break the puppet, dude.
我们可以把它卖到eBay上。
We could sell it on eBay.